Go get your PhD. Yep, I guess sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you realize...no, everything will be
okay. Couldn't have had a better take home message this week. Look, not to say that I'm100% confident that I can do this for 3 more years like I talked about in my last post, especially without all of my support systems...but hey, who's to say I won't develop that support here (a common theme that I heard over and over in the last few weeks)
I was talking to a really good friend last week and he listened and kept telling me ideas and things that made perfect sense about how to make things better out here...but if you know me at all, you know I'm too stubborn at times to admit that you are right even though I know you probably are. Anyways, while talking to him, my true taurus signs came out and I'm sure he was about fed up with everything I came back at him with despite knowing that deep down what he was saying to me was exactly what I needed to hear. After a good couple hours of arguing over how miserable I was in this situation, this was finally my response to him: "i know i'm being impossible right now. lol you are right about everything its just hard for me to agree when i feel so shitty but i do know that everything you are saying is true
:)
so thank you" That goes to all of you out there who have offered me some kind of thoughts/help/rationalization/encouragement in my crazy moments.
My point is, sometimes we just have to be impossible to realize that hey - deep down, I know I'm being irrational, it can't be
that bad, and in really, if you're impossible, nothing is
possible (right?) but if you're possible, then what's stopping you??
I knew all along - you might think i'm lying - but I really did know that something would happen - whatever that may be - to keep me here in the long term. This week was the start of something good. The start of millions of ideas that make me excited about being the serious science nerd I am. The start of millions of avenues that I have yet to explore and really good things that I have yet to accomplish. Without giving too much away, I'll let you know that I had an epiphany today. Actually, I had two. I don't know anyone who has ever had two epiphanies in one single day - if you have, and if they are as profound (subjectively speaking) as my epiphanies, you are a lucky person. But because of this, I now have an idea for my future. I'm not lost in space wandering what the hell I am doing here, thinking how do I do what I really want to do.
One day, I'll explain to you my ideas for my PhD. Call me egotistical, but these are ideas that I don't necessarily like sharing (especially over the internet) because I want to be the first to do it. Science (especially exercise science) is a race...no pun intended..haha...but really, it's a race to develop the new theories, a race to develop new techniques, to pinpoint the best training methods, the most appropriate ways to determine fatigue to prevent injury, the race to figure out which biochemical intermediaries signal which pathways and the implications for disease, a race to determine whether or not we as humans have a physiological limit whether it be goverened by a little 'mini me' in our brains or our peripheral feedback due to a change in homeostasis in everthing that works together to make up our physiology (superficially speaking as it's been a long week and my brain is quite 'fatigued')....anyways, it's a race to be the best.
Anyways, if you so desire, one day we can have a lovely conversation about what my ideas are for my future, for the future of exercise science, for the future of defining the word fatigue and the mechanisms which lead to fatigue (specifically speaking about task fatigue in which you can no longer perform a given task due to decrease in neuromuscular drive or function). You simply have to ask. Because if you don't, I'm going to assume that you don't really give a shit. And if you do, I'm going to assume that you are going to stop listening to me after I say well, its about intense exercise and the metabolism ocurring in the muscle and new ways to measure it bla bla bla...because really, who cares? Haha, but act interested and I'll talk to you about it for hours :)
Well, to be the best: sounds like an overwhelming task to me that in itself is making me fatigued to think about, however, let me just say that I am refreshed. I am happy. I need to remember these opportunities that are being presented to me (not that I ever discounted them in the first place) but I need to keep that big picture in mind in order to do what I really
really do want to do. So soon I'll be heading home for a visit that will be short lived, and will likely make me want to stay there forever, but now I can honestly say I don't want to, because I know I have been handed an amazing thing here and I intend to continue on with it. Phew, what a lovely feeling, I never didn't want to, I just wanted to know and feel that I would be okay doing it, and finally I do.
Finally, to sum all this up, just now, I read a post by another good buddy that said:
"When we come close to those things that break us down, we touch those things that also break us open."
I don't know who said this, but I think he was talking about my life directly...even if it was said many years ago, haha. Big Loves xx
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