I wish there was an easy solution...

to decipher when exactly it's time to throw in the towel and head home. For good.  So many emotions and thoughts running through my head at the moment..can I stick it out for 3 more years?  Do I listen to my brain? or listen to my heart?  Whats the pros and cons on both sides of the coin?  Can someone toss that coin for me and make this, the hardest decision I've come to in my life, for me?  Why was it so easy to pack up and move 10,000 miles away in the first place, if it was going to be so hard to live 10,000 miles away in the end?  

There are many answers/theories/observations I have had, but the one that I keep coming back to is simply:  If it's this hard feeling so alone and so far away for one year doing this honours program, what's it going to be like trying to get through 3 more years without my life, my support system, my networks, my friends, and most importantly my family.  The PhD program is all about focus and perserverence, neither of which I feel I have over here.  I thought that moving out here would be a way for me to blossom, to find who I really am.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that I have never been so lost in my life....

^ I miss this girl ^

  



^ And This (Super Happy) Girl ^



And all of these girls...





And all the fun I have with these girls...

I miss my crew...



...And i miss this girl

..and times like these.



...and these



and this..



and nights like this..

and even though she's far away anyway...i miss this girl ...

of course, there's no doubt I miss this girl too..



Even more important, I miss these girls...



and this girl...



and believe it or not, I even miss this guy... :)



And it goes with out saying I miss all of them too...

There ya go.  And this is only a fraction of the things that have me dying to be back home...(if you don't have a picture in here, trust me i had a million others to put up, but my computers taking too long...) but how and when do I know that that's actually what I'm supposed to do?  How do I have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to when they haven't so far?  I need some support, some stability and some laughter and fun because I'm learning quickly that I can't survive without all of this.  It has been the key to my success thus far, and without it, I'm pretty sure that I'll soon be a failure.  If any one's got some easy answers out there...I'm wide open to thoughts and opinions but to be honest, at this point I think I know where my heart is....and unfortunately, it's certainly not here  :(

Is there a chance that might change?  Of course.  It could change in an instant...but I've been waiting several months for something that just says to me..you are so dumb if you leave.  How much longer do I play this waiting game?

 My mom, at the very beginning of this adventure said to me that she knew I'd be okay out here.  As long as I was able to network and find myself a group of people like I have back home.  But the truth is, there is no one like them, no one that compares or comes close to understanding me like them and that's what I miss the most.  I guess mom always knows best...



I should certainly add...thank god for...

...this girl

and times like this...

...experiences like this



and places like this...





..and this girl.  i surely don't know what i'd do without her...



Clearly, the past 8 months has not been a waste of my time.  It's hands down been the best experience I have had, and I have learned so much about myself, about life, about different culture and opening my eyes to the world...  So is it really time to give all of this up?  That's the million dollar question.  Yesterday and today I say yes.  Tomorrow I might find the strength and determination to say maybe not.  But maybe not is not a definite no, so then, is the answer the former of the two?  You. Tell. Me.